"As Far as the East is From the West"

Above: Mental patient Devean George goes up for a dunk and misses the rim by two feet. Later, Phil Jackson pats him on the head and says, "good job."

The Western Conference is the New Eastern Conference. I thought of this as I watched the two NBA games last night. The Lakers are done. Lamar Odom has regressed to the point that their second-best player to Kobe is Smush fricking Parker. I thought the East was supposed to have the one- and two-man teams! You know, Iverson in Philly, Vince in Toronto, T-Mac in Orlando, Pierce in Boston, etc. Well, guess what? Iverson now has C-Webb to play with, Vince is in Jersey, T-Mac is in Houston, and...Pierce is still the one man in Boston, but don't worry about that. Instead, look at the Lakers and Suns. The Lakers have Kobe and a bunch of literal spare parts, some of which don't even belong on an NBA roster. And if I have to listen to some commentator compliment the Ultimate Spare Devean George on his hustle one more time I'm going to chop off my ears. The man does nothing well (except look like Tracy Morgan), and yet he makes millions of dollars and people think of him as a champion. And what kind of name is "Devean" anyway?
Aaaargh.

And the "Suns Sans Amare"(SSA) will score a lot (especially when they're playing a team like the Lakers, who have no inside presence and only one good defensive player), but they're no longer quick or strong enough to stop anyone from scoring. These teams are weak, people. Welcome to today's NBA -- high-octane offense, low-effort defense. This is again why college basketball is better. If I weren't so starved for the sport after 5 months of boring baseball, I probably wouldn't even watch. Here are a few more itemized observations about the two games last night:

The Pacers are Bunch of Suspensions Waiting to Happen: The entire teams seems to have a giant, gangsta-themed chip on its shoulder. Last night wild-eyed Stephen Jackson almost got into a fight with Dwayne Wade for seemingly no reason except to pump himself up. Wade didn't do anything to him but fall over when Jackson pushed him twice. New additions Danny Granger and Sarunas J(ridiculous last name) play like crazed cavemen out there, and will probably both get clotheslined or worse before the season is over. Almost everyone on the Pacers is either annoying (Granger, J., Croshere, Jeff Foster) or outright gangsta/crazy (Artest, Jackson, Tinsley, the rest). About the only person not likely to get into a brawl is Jermaine O' Neal, and he was suspended for punching a fan in last year's brawl! I'm telling you, Artest could go off the deep end at any moment. Teams are just going to keep instigating him and poking him with a stick every night until he snaps. And that won't be pretty. Indiana just might be doomed. Plus, as the Sports Guy pointed out, they don't have that one guy who can make the clutch shot at the ends of games.

Aside: Read the Sports Guy's NBA Preview on ESPN.com right now. I can't link to it because I'm at work (long story), but he's great. And I'm not just saying that because we agree on just about everything relating to the NBA this year, or because he thinks the Bucks are going to be good. Ok, that's it a little bit. But go read it anyway.

The Heat need to trade Anoine Walker ASAP, or cut him, whichever is quicker. The sad thing is, he's just never going to get it. He's just an infuriating basketball player who constantly does things he can't do, like shoot threes and dribble through traffic. Every time the ball is in his hands, I cringe -- and I'm not even a Heat fan! Now, Jason Williams and Gary Payton look to be fitting in nicely. Shaq looks one year older, but he's still Shaq. Wade is so fricking good it amazes me that he could have ever come from Marquette. But 'Toine-Walk is a nightmare. He stepped on the out-of-bounds line last night on the Heat's penultimate posession. How much more evidence do they need that his head isn't right with basketball? They need to get rid of him, but should wait until after they play Milwaukee on Saturday.

The Lakers are rebuilding, and doing it badly. Kobe Bryant, the Triangle offense, and Phil Jackson have somehow turned Lamar Odom from an all-star and olympian to a mediocre point-forward. He's like a turd out there -- and that's despite his 23-point 16-board performance against a small, weak Suns team. He's just not gelling with Kobe. For the rest of their non-Kobe roster, they have lovingly assembled an expansion team of cast-offs and future cast-offs. They had better sign a big free-agent soon, or Denzel and Danny Bonaduce will start watching the Clippers.

San Antonio might not lose a conference game all year. Maybe Houston can beat them, or one night in Dallas if Dirk gets hot they might go down. But Denver's a total mess right now, and nobody else in the West has the raw talent to compete with them. My prediction? Cassell will get hot and they'll lose a game to the Clippers. Ok, I've mentioned them twice now, so I'm clearly out of things to say. Good-bye.